Yesterday, at school(not that it doesn't show itself in all facets of my life), "not hope" won. I found myself giving up on hope...hope that people's motivation behind their decisions is real....hope that power and control are not the drivers of criticism or change...hope that next year will be better...hope that the person you feel like always has hope hasn't given up on hope, too.
I don't want to give up on hope. I want to cling to it. To hold fast to it. In fact, I feel like I take specific steps to ensure that hope keeps the upper hand. I lost yesterday. At least, if felt like a loss. The thing is, when you give up on hope, it's hard to see the situation as anything BUT a loss. If you have hope, you interpret events/conversations/meetings/people differently. You see that there can be a different outcome. You have hope that it can be better. When you have the opposite of hope (fear? doubt? defeat?), you see nothing but loss. It makes me want to give up. It makes me want to run. It makes me angry and hurt and turns me into a person...well, with no hope.
Before I get all negative, I did experience hope yesterday. I'm pretty sure it was hope. It might have been hope. A few small pieces of hope maybe...from a best friend that allows me to be angry and hurt and ridiculous and then logical and thoughtful and calm-ish, reading words from God that bring reassurance and perspective and wisdom in Ecclesiastics, and a beautiful song by Sara Groves that reminds me that even when fear and defeat seem to overpower hope...really overpower it...maybe hope is not gone.
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